Most Americans know the story of Paul Revere. How he lit a lantern or two or watched a guy light a lantern and then warned people about it and probably did not scream at children that the British were coming. But do you know the true fake story of Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride?
A Serious Game
It all started with a game of Gourdroll between the British and their colonists. The friendly nature of the series had long ago eroded and both sides made it their highest priority of the year to win. Shops would close down, children would be let out of school, farms lay unplowed. The people of Boston would gather at the harbor on the day the British team’s ship arrived to throw to-mah-toes and spotted dick and tea at them. It was quite the raucous party.
This animosity was brought about by the recent dominance of the British. The colonists had not won a Gourdroll series in decades and they were angry. This year would be different. The colonists had assembled a team of destiny, and to top it off, the captain of the British team had recently died of scurvy or syphilis or some made up disease. This was their year.
The game was going according to plan heading into the final roll. And that’s when fate arrived, in the form of William Cornelius Buckner III. The gourd was rolled, and it rolled, and it rolled, and it rolled right between the legs of William Cornelius Buckner III. The day was lost. The British had won.
It gets through Buckner!
The fans lost their minds. Buckner was pelted with gourds into unconsciousness. He would wake up briefly several times before being gourded again as he was paraded through the streets for the rest of that horrific day. Riots and fires broke out all over the city. Wanton destruction was the theme of the meltdown. The British team only escaped with the help of a detachment of Redcoats who massacred the fans blocking the exit. One of those fans was named Pudge Revere.
Pudge was the youngest sibling of the Revere clan, one of the most notorious families of gourdroll hooligans in Boston. The Reveres had been known in years past to gather outside the berthing area of the British team the night before the series in order to get drunk and sing loud songs about bloody limeys. It had never been personal, until now.
Paul Revere, the de-facto leader of the clan, organized a hasty council with the other prominent hooligan families.
- Paul Revere – “Alright me droogs, war is upon us”.
- John-Boy Revere – “WAR, ARRRRRRGH”.
- Gustav Vahlberg – “We pissah mertn cahbe, no biffin”.
- John-Boy – “BEER, MORE BEER, ANGRY”.
- Toots Revere – “Dey kilt my bro, my little bro”.
- William Dawes – “We need a warning system near the Bri-”
- Grandma Revere – “Guldern Toots better stop talkin like one a them coloreds in my house”.
- Paul – “Grandma-ma, enough of your vile tongue, get the beer.”
- Grandma – “New generation got no respect, treatin old people like that, and in my day the white men acted like white men, new fangled wizzle wozzle and hippity hop.”
- Paul – “OUT OLD WOMAN.”
- Grandma – <muttering under breath><leaves>.
- Dirky Dirk Vahlberg – “Yo, you know what I says, I says we go down to that ship and get wicked pissah crazy on some limey bitches. They disrespect us, they murdah yah bro, they gots to pay, gots to. Nevah back down bros. If I was there right now I’d be messin up limeys left and right, bam to the face, left hook, uppercut-”
- Gustav Vahlberg – “<incoherent><indecipherable><gibberish><YELLING>.”
- William Dawes – “Gentlemen, we are justifiably angry, but we mustn’t be hasty. We have not the power nor the arms to attack their ship.”
- Dirky Dirk – “Shuddup posah, you ain’t even like gourdball, you ain’t a true fan, pussy.”
- William Dawes – “I am so a true fa-”
- Paul – “My brother is dead, we must act. But Dawes is right, we must have caution.”
- John-Boy – “CAUTION!” <drinks>
- Dirky Dirk – “Caution is 4 bitches.”
- Paul – “He is right. Caution truly is for… bitches.”
- William Dawes – “We are too weak, we should wait for the British to come to us, ambush them. We should set up a warning system of some such so-”
- Paul – “He is right, we should wait and ambush them.”
- Dirky Dirk – “No way yo, I can take em, we can take em homeys, don’t listen to this bandwagon fan chowdahead.”
- William Dawes – “I will not be insulted. Dawes OUT!”
As William Dawes walked out, he heard the bluster continue on. The beer was flowing, and this debate would go late into the evening.
As the city descended into chaos, the British were not idle. The British commander organized his troops and developed a plan to quell the violence. His plan did not include the words “Be Nice”.
Luckily for America, some of the colonists had not been idle either. Grandma Revere knew that the blood would flow if the filthy British scum descended upon Boston to put down the riots. Grandma hated many things, but the American colonies were not one of them. The rioters were angry but unorganized, and their judgement was clouded by rage. They would be slaughtered by the Redcoats. So Grandma Revere left the council and went to work.
She grabbed William Dawes, who was blubbering outside the house, and told him to set up his proposed warning system. She also told him to prepare to ride in order to warn the locals when the British departed. Grandma Revere would not have her city taken unawares by the Redcoats. The colonial militia was just West of Boston and they also needed to be warned of developments. She knew that Dawes could not ride alone and they had lots of ground to cover. She would ride as well. So her next step was to acquire the fastest horse she could find. Shadowfax was his name, and his speed was legendary.
Meanwhile Back at the Council
- Paul Revere – “Me thinks we need more beersh, GRANDMA, MORE BEER!”
- John-Boy – “BEER, MORE BEER.”
- Paul – “So we agree fithnally? If Brady was playing today, we woulda won?”
- Toots – “Brady’s a BUM.”
- Dirky Dirk Vahlberg – “THREE RINGS BITCH, THREE RINGS!”
- Toots – “Rings shmings, guy’s still a bum.”
- Dirky Dirk – “I’LL KILL YOU!”
- Paul – “Guys, guys, listen to this, I got something important to say. I lovesh you guys, yer all just, the besht.”
- Dirky Dirk – “Shit man, shit. Love you too Paulie, I’msh just, I get angry with drinkingth sometimes, love you all so much.”
- Gustav Vahlberg – ”Yargle butta slishsk” .
- Toots – “Fuckin Buckner.”
- Paul – “Goddamn Buckner.”
- Dirky Dirk – “Busta ass Buckner.”
- Gustav – “Pissah shmel gerf.”
The British are Coming
The British force prepared to head out. The signal system worked beautifully and Dawes and Grandma Revere took off on horseback. Shadowfax flew through the town with Grandma Revere warning everyone she came across to hide from the Redcoats or go West. She was briefly slowed by roving British scouts, but their musket balls could not catch Shadowfax.
As she and Dawes traveled West and North, the network of riders that spawned from them grew exponentially. A giant game of telephone played out and in a few hours everyone within 50 miles would know that the British were coming. As previously agreed upon, Grandma Revere and Dawes met in Lexington to warn the colonial leaders.
As she climbed from Shadowfax, Dawes saw blood on the saddle. Grandma was soaked in her own blood. Even Shadowfax could not outrun every fired musket. Grandma Revere did not seem to be in any discomfort, so Dawes asked her if she felt any pain. “Pain don’t hurt,” was all she said.
Grandma Revere walked inside and told Samuel Adams and John Hancock to “Get off your lazy asses and get ready to fight.” John Hancock leapt to his feet and screamed “I will beat the shit out of you old lady,” before being corrected that she meant the British. With her mission complete, she took a well-deserved rest.
A Small Problem
The next morning back at the Revere house, the council was waking up after a wicked awesome night of drinking. Paul wiped the dried vomit from his face and poured himself an eye-opener. British soldiers shortly greeted him at his door and took him in for questioning. They told him that a Revere had been riding around committing espionage the night before. The British gourdball team gave them Paul’s name as they were familiar with Paul as a rabble-rouser from his hooligan shenanigans.
In Lexington, the colonial leaders were having a discussion about the night’s events. They had a problem to solve. A hero was needed to spread the good word of the upcoming fight with the British, and here, two heroes had fallen into their laps. Unfortunately, everyone knew that Dawes was a latecomer to gourdball fanhood and he couldn’t even name a single player’s name. No one would rally behind his banner. And then there was Grandma Revere. She was abrasive, rude, old, and most unacceptably, a woman. She was also well-known throughout New England as being a horrific racist (which was saying something considering the era). She was not what heroes were supposed to be.
Then, the answer to their problem arrived in the form of a messenger from Boston. Paul Revere had been accused by the British of being the rider from the previous night. They would just agree with the British and praise Paul as the hero and write songs about him and spread news of his deeds. He was a good Bostonian and a huge fan of gourdball. He would make the perfect hero. They would even give Dawes and Grandma a nice medal and pat on the back in a secret ceremony and thank them for their service.
Hero of the Revolution
Of course Paul Revere accepted this plan. He was more than willing to help the cause that would fight the British and get vengeance for the tragic gourdball loss, oh, and also the death of his brother. Another plus is that it would anger his Grandma and he would always be able to rub it in Dawes face. Also, the fame. The songs, and the poems, and the lies rolled in and Paul Revere was honored as one of the great heroes of the American Revolution.
For their part, while annoyed, Grandma and Dawes knew that not all heroes were recognized properly. They decided to be happy they could help and not blow up the conspiracy. Not like they had a choice, the fix was in and history would never know how important they were.