Lesser-Known Musical Instruments of History

Flux-Bag

Based on a type of body bag developed during the Dark Ages that was used to carry plague victims, the musician lays in the sealed bag and uses a series of harmonious coughs, screams, and gurgles to play the instrument.  Advanced flux-baggists will also utilize bag rubs and scrapes but some traditionalists consider this gauche.

Theremin

One of the first electronic instruments, the theremin was developed on accident under a contract from the Soviet government in the early 20th century.  The theremin produces eerie, ethereal notes and the sound was described by the creator, Leon Theremin, as “two ghosts having very gentle sex in the Aurora Borealis.”

Muff

A pillow that can be lightly patted to produce a soft, background thumping noise.  The muff was originally included on many drum kits but muffists split off from drummers when they felt they were being over-powered in the 1940s.  The muff nearly disappeared from history until a resurgence in its use by heavy metal bands in the latter-half of the 20th century saved it from extinction.

Armonica

Also known as the “Glass Harmonica”, “Hydrocrystalophone”, and “Death Harp”, the armonica was created by Benjamin Franklin in the 1760s.  Although the idea of rubbing a glass bowl or cup with your moistened finger to produce a note had been around for centuries, Franklin was the first to mount multiple glass bowls on a rotating spindle and coat them in poison.

Child

Arguably the most controversial musical instrument in history, the child is played by poking and prodding a human child to produce giggles and snorts.  It is regarded as the most difficult instrument to play due to its unreliability and inconsistency, but most music aficionados consider a well-played child to be among the happiest auditory experiences in the universe.  The instrument has fallen out of favor with the advent of child labor laws and efforts to produce artificial child instruments have been mostly unsuccessful.

The Original Ten Commandments

1. Thou shalt not eat rocks.

2. Thou shalt not eat small rocks, pebbles, sand, or chunks broken from boulders.

3. Thou shalt not eat your own flesh, even if, and especially it is separated from your body and or rotting.

4. Thou shalt not eat the hair or nails of a neighbor.  Nor the delicious meat, no matter how succulent.

5. I can see you in the back, you, idiot, eating rocks, are you kidding me?

6. Fuck

7. No, oh my myrrh, don’t fuck, damn it, thou shalt only fornicate for the purpose of making a small baby and continuing the existence of the human race starting…NOW.

8. Thou shalt listen to those that have the word of god flowing through them, which is me, you should listen to me now.  I should make this number one.

9. Ya’ll are fucking idiots, eatin rocks and just screwin indiscriminant-like, and yep, there we go, Gabbo in the back munchin on his own damn knee meat completes the trinity.

10. Do any of you stupid fucks even care?  I’m up here spouting my damn soul outta my mouth hole, from God’s voice to your ears and no one even listens, what’s the point of all this?  I hate rules too, but you just can’t go around eating rocks and sand and shit, and the fetid meat of your neighbors and expect to have a healthy, productive society.  And sex is bad.  And I didn’t even get to the part where I tell you to not murder or cheat or steal or lie or covet or make art statues of art or whatever or have impure thoughts or act on your impure thoughts or paint surreally or engage in conspiracies or worship other gods or make papier-mâché masks of those other gods and pretend to be them to scare your neighbors into giving you free shit or be mean to old people or dance provocatively or hang your toilet paper all underneath and wrong or stare into the sun or we’ll try this again later in a place with no rocks.

Who Really Killed the Electric Car?

The documentary “Who Killed the Electric Car” was not wrong when it proposed that there were insidious forces conspiring to kill the electric car in America.  It was only wrong about who those insidious forces actually were.

I’m all dead, baby

I’m all dead, baby

Big Oil

The oil companies don’t really need to be defended.  Most people would admit they are pretty evil, destructive and obsessed with profits.  They had plenty of incentive to make sure that America remained tethered to their product by crushing all other forms of car juice.  They had lots of money, and tons of power, and loads of influence, and it was in their interests to destroy the “Electric Car”.

But this narrative is false.  While this does not absolve “Big Oil” of all their crimes, they are not responsible for the death of the Electric Car as proposed in the film.  There is a far more dangerous group in existence.  A group far more evil and devious.  A group that has hidden in the shadows for centuries.  A group that was going to peddle their own car juice, whatever the cost.  This group of murderers had the same incentive to kill the electric car as Big Oil, and would not hesitate to kill again and again.

“The heathenry shant not touch the corn, OutLANDER”

“The heathenry shant not touch the corn, OutLANDER”

The Corn Lobby

That’s right, it was not the evil oil companies that killed the electric car, it was the all-powerful Corn Lobby (also evil).  And this was not their first dip in the murder pool.  In the 1980’s the Corn Lobby murdered hundreds of adults who wandered into their cornfields.  No one would threaten the corn, not even innocent non-threats.  Corn provided the lobby with not only their food, but their shelter, toys, and entire way of life.  Thanks to the discovery of one young entrepreneur named Malachai, corn would soon provide them with an economic engine to fuel their emancipation.  It was called biofuel.

Conditioned to murder, and desperate to push their lucrative “Biofuels” on car-dependent America, killing off the Electric Car was nothing to the Corn Lobby.  It was easy.  It was done.  The Electric Car was dead and biofuels would enter the gas tank of nearly every car in America.

But why stop there?  Have you heard of HFCS (High Fructose Corn Syrup)?  The sugar replacement that fills America’s drinks, breads, and candies?  The same HFCS that doctors claim is further enfattening America’s already bloated and diseased body?  Do you know who is responsible for forcing this plague on America?  Yep…

Ethanol fueled their hate

Ethanol fueled their hate

How Can You Fight Back?

Don’t enter the cornfields.

Don’t mock their corn god.

Don’t run over one of their escaping victims and attempt to help him/her.

Do buy one of the resurgent zombie electric cars before the Corn Lobby sinks their murderous fangs into them and destroys all hope for the future, Again.

The Secret Amendment

In the classic documentary film, National Secret: Book of Treasures, a noted historian and his associates discover that the Presidents of the United States of America have a secret presidents-only book and that they love peaches.  This secret book is packed with secrets relating to the secrets of the presidents and United States history.  Like many documentaries, this one lies.  The book does not exist.

Even though the book is a lie, presidential secrets do exist and the most important one is part of a little document called the Bill of Rights.

The Secret Amendment

The Founding Fathers were proponents of revolution, obviously.  What may not be so obvious is the lengths they were willing to go in order to protect and even instigate future revolutions.  One of these founding fathers is credited with saying:

“The tree of liberty must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots and tyrants.” – Thomas Jefferson

It appears to be only a simple justification for the American Revolution.  However, it is actually a hidden reference to The Secret Amendment.  You will not find Amendment 0 in the history books or on the “official” copies of the Bill of Rights displayed in museums.  Amendment 0 is simple.  Amendment 0 is nine words.  Amendment 0 uses the blood of patriots and tyrants to refresh the tree of liberty.  Amendment 0 is also responsible for bringing many of our greatest presidents into power.

Amendment 0: Every twenty years, Kill the President, Be the President

Thomas Jefferson 1800, James Monroe 1820

"No thanks, we'll pass"

“No thanks, we’ll pass”

Of course Mr. Jefferson and the other founding fathers were not completely altruistic.  An exemption was made for everyone who was present at the signing of the Constitution.  There was a good chance that many of those present would one day become president, and well, they did not want to die for the cause.  Amendment 0 would only take effect when they had all moved past the age of eligibility.  This was unfortunate news for our next subject, who was only 14 years old (and not present) at the Constitutional Convention of 1787.

William Henry Harrison 1840

“My one weakness, rain”

“My one weakness, rain”

Some presidents are mediocre; some are actively malicious; others just get wet and die.  But did William Henry Harrison just die or was he laid low by one of America’s most prolific serial killers?  That serial killer is the common cold and it is also one of the better leaders in Presidential history.  The common cold began it’s assassination attempt on the day of Harrison’s inauguration when the new president stupidly wandered around in the freezing rain for 12 hours, bloated with the invincible power of his new position.  30 days later he was dead and The Cold assumed office.  The Cold, unable to communicate with it’s cabinet or congress, enacted no policies and was lauded by all sides for the lack of damage it did to the United States and it’s people.

Abraham Lincoln 1860

Lincoln

Lincoln

This is one of only two instances where the assassin was actually a worse president than the president he killed.  Abraham Lincoln is arguably our greatest president and former actor John Wilkes Booth was an absolute failure.  Booth’s only two acts as president were to go on a horseback ride and to die in a barn.  These two acts cost the country millions of dollars (in today’s currency).  Booth’s only legacy is to remind us that actors have been trying to influence politics for generations and they tend to fail miserably.

James Garfield 1880

A jaded crowd looks on as President Garfield attempts to break dance

A jaded crowd looks on as President Garfield attempts to break dance

President Garfield was not dancing.  In fact, he hated dancing and had even attempted to outlaw dancing with a constitutional amendment his first few months in office.  This proposed legislation angered Charles Guiteau so much that he shot President Garfield twice in the back, as depicted above.  Garfield was heard to exclaim to his advisors “Don’t let me dance!” as the bullet sunk into his spine.  Although it took months for Garfield to die, his incapacitation allowed Guiteau to immediately take office.  Guiteau would go on to become the longest serving Assassin President in American history.  On his watch, the tyrannical anti-dancing amendment would never pass.

William McKinley 1900

Do anarchists have "meetings"? These ones did.

Do anarchists have “meetings”? These ones did.

McKinley was not only known as the man who defiled beautiful Denali with his horrid name, he was also a pretty mediocre president.  Well-known anarchist Theodore “Teddy Bull-Moose” Roosevelt gathered his anarchist troops and set out to depose McKinley for his mediocreness.  Teddy was already the Vice President when he began his plan and assumed he would take over the presidency when the assassination was complete.  Teddy was unaware of The Secret Amendment when he enticed Leon Csolgosz to shoot and kill McKinley.  Csolgosz ascended to the highest office in the land and an enraged Teddy bribed the entire U.S. Federal Court System into quickly convicting Csolgosz of murder and executing him 6 weeks after he shot McKinley.  Teddy became the second anarchist President in US history the following day.

Warren G. Harding 1920

Oddly enough, the Harding administration was more well known for a lack of regulation.

Oddly enough, the Harding administration was more well known for a lack of regulation.

Harding sucked.  For decades he was considered the worst president ever but now scholars argue about him maybe only being second or third worst.  Suffice as to say, “one of the worst”.  Harding was either killed by former president The Common Cold, or his wife.  There has been some discussion as to his cause of death, but not too much because either assassin made a better president and few cared.  His wife would be most knowledgeable about how terrible he was and she did deny the coroner the chance to autopsy the body.  The Cold’s motives, as one of the our better former presidents, would have been to preserve the union and save America.  Let’s just salute them both and move on.

Franklin Roosevelt 1940

Top 3/Bottom 3

Top 3/Bottom 3

After Lincoln, this marks the second time that a Presidential Assassin was significantly worse in the Oval Office than the President that he murdered.  Franklin Delano Roosevelt is generally regarded as one of our few, great presidents, guiding the country through two of the three worst crises in American history.  FDR lead America to the brink of victory in WW2, incurring the wrath of his adversary, Adolf Q. Hitler.  Hitler, knowing his war was lost, conducted a successful pyrrhic strike on FDR and unknowingly succeeded him as President of the United States.  Luckily, Hitler killed himself after 18 days in office, ending his own reign of terror over America.

John F. Kennedy 1960

“I am a jelly donut”

“I am a jelly donut”

Lee Harvey Oswald may not have been a very good President or a hero, but at least he didn’t promise to support thousands of Cubans in their fight for independence only to change his mind and watch them be slaughtered on a beach, escalate America’s involvement in the Vietnam War, rig an election, crap all over his vows to America’s Sweetheart Jackie, and bury hundreds of hookers under the White House Lawn.  Lee Harvey Oswald was also one of the shortest serving presidents at 2 days in office, being shot by a confused chef with ties to the mob named Jack Ruby who had heard about the Secret Amendment and misunderstood that only one man per 20 years could invoke it.

Ronald Reagan 1980

I am above such human laws as the Constitution

“I am above such human laws as the Constitution”

Ronald Reagan was not unlike Kennedy, seen through a warped mirror that leaned to the other side.  He also followed in the footsteps of former President John Wilkes Booth, both being actors before they took office.  Much like Booth, Reagan thought his acting career would help prepare him for the office, but he was wrong, and not very good.  However, he was the first President to refuse to abide by The Secret Amendment.  When Presidential nominee John Hinckley shot him, he simply refused to die.  Hinckley was found to be insane but also not-guilty, so he probably would have been as poor of a president as he was an assassin.

George W. Bush 2000

Modern Assassins may be more creative but they are also much less successful

Modern Assassins may be more creative but they are also much less successful

George W. Bush was the second president in a row on our list to refuse to succumb to Constitutional Law.  He did however succumb to the glaring mediocrity of those presidents who came before him.  W. Bush faced his assassin while conducting a press conference in Iraq.  An Iraqi man named al-Zaidi attempted to assassinate the President by throwing a deadly shoe at him.  Bush ducked, Bush survived, and al-Zaidi’s dream of becoming president is the only thing that died that day.  But would he have become President, or would it have been the shoe?  The shoe would most likely have been a better President than ¾ of the men that preceded him.

The Future and The End

President Obama and the 2016 winner (Meryl Streep? Vladimir Putin?  A Lizard Man wearing human skin?) are safe from The Secret Amendment, but the 2020 winner may want to beef up the Secret Service as their first Presidential Act.  Or do the survivals of Presidents in 1980 and 2000 mean that the Secret Amendment is done with?  Was it secretly repealed?   Were Reagan and Bush just lucky to be the first ones not to die in office since its inception?  How the hell do assassins keep hearing about The Secret Amendment if it’s supposed to be a secret?  How do all these presidents stack up? Oh hey, we can answer that one (Top Ten US Presidents):

  1. Abraham Lincoln
  2. George Washington
  3. Franklin Roosevelt
  4. The Common Cold
  5. Charles Guiteau
  6. Leon Csolgosz
  7. Thomas Jefferson
  8. William Henry Harrison
  9. Lee Harvey Oswald
  10. (tie) Harry Truman/Woodrow Wilson

And how about the bottom 3:

  1. Adolf Hitler
  2. Warren Harding
  3. John Wilkes Booth

A Quick Note on Hibernation

Now that I have woken up from my annual winter hibernation, it’s probably a good time to discuss the truth about human hibernation.

Bears, wolves, moths, whales, amoebas, and even the lonely sasquatch hibernate during the cold, dead months of winter.  So why don’t humans?  Even though it is not widely known, the true story is that they do and always have.  Galileo, Aristotle, and Thomas Jefferson are counted among the biggest proponents of human hibernation.  What is the common link between those three men besides their stunning intellects and inhuman productivity?  They are all dead.  Obviously their lack of life is not surprising in itself, it is the fact that they were murdered to protect a conspiracy that dates back to the beginnings of humanity.

They Covered Our Eyes

Proto-Humanity didn’t need to know that hibernation was good for them.  It was instinct.  When the cold came, you found a cave and huddled together with your tribe, sleeping peacefully until the warmth returned.  Proto-Humanity advanced into our earliest human ancestors at an unheard of evolutionary rate with the help of hibernation.

Sorry Ralph, short straw tends the fire, you know the rules

Pre-Hibernation Soiree and Raffle

The early humans kept pace with this rate of advancement, unconscious of what the key was.  A day came when some figured it out.  They wanted the secret all to themselves.  They formed a cabal and began a disinformation campaign that would convince their fellow humans to adopt a year round schedule.  The cabal enslaved humanity and rose to power by employing the now-secret power of hibernation.

The leaders of every great ancient civilization were members of the cabal.  The Sumerians, The Egyptians, The Minoans, The Shang Dynasty, The Babylonians, The Romans, The Mayans and every important royal family up to modern times has been a member of the hibernation cabal.  But much to their dismay, they have not been alone.

Small Rebellions

It is not known who the first outsider to lift the veil was but word quickly spread throughout the scientific and philosophical communities.  Each advance in human society can be tied to the spread of the hibernation secret.  And each dark age of suffering can be tied to a purge.  A purge conducted by the cabal against the outsiders who had learned their secret.

Humanity fought on.  Some outsiders survived the purges and carried on, some cabal members defected, and new brilliant minds were discovering the secret on their own.  Socrates, Sun Tzu, Siddhartha Buddha, Leonardo Da Vinci, and Benjamin Franklin all knew the secret and achieved greatness.  All are now dead.

There is one conspiracy in the world, only one conspiracy, although it is known by many names.  One conspiracy to rule them all and in the darkness bind them.

The Fight Continues

There is a good chance this account will be destroyed.  The cabal still exists, and the outsiders fight on.  The royal families and other heads of state and their corporate and religious partners continue the tradition of stealing our own greatness from us.  Do you want to reach the glorious heights of ultimate achievement or do you prefer to live in your miserable year-round shackles?  Hibernation is the key to unlock your highest potential.  Hibernation will make you the man or woman that nature or your preferred god intended.  Hibernation will also make you an enemy of the all-powerful cabal.

I believe the risk is worth it.

My own annual hibernation is now over and

Uhhhhmmmm

Uhhhhmmmm

…., hmmm, no, actually no, see you in a few weeks.

The Battle of California

There was a California before the Americans. Before the Spanish. Before the Russians and the dark-skinned Natives. There was a California before, and there was a battle for it’s soul.

Promised Land

The man came by land, across the long-fallen bridge. The fish came by sea, pulled by the North Pacific current. The bird came by air, a long and dangerous flight. Each was drawn to the place by the same desire: the freedom to walk, the freedom to swim, the freedom to fly. The mountains were high and the valleys were fertile. The skies were always blue and the water was clean and fresh. The enemies of the old world were left behind and a new life could begin.

Each wanted this place for their own. To plant seeds so that future generations could grow and prosper. But they found something else in California as well. Each other.

The Factions

The man, royalty in his homeland, would easily dominate this new world. What beast could stand up to his sword? What creature could match the elegance of his purple cape? The glint from his crown would blind the mightiest foe. And he had the power of the mind: rational thought, self awareness, math. No one would stop him.

The fish, finned and fanged and deadly, would easily dominate this new world. Who else could swim so fast? Who else had three rows of razor sharp fangs? His sense of smell could find a foe at over one hundred miles. Who else could breathe liquid and move in their sleep? No one would stop him.

The bird, who had survived the most grueling trip of all, would easily dominate this new world. Could anyone match his sight, the ability to spot a target from 10 miles away? He controlled the sky, and he who controlled the sky controlled the battle. His camouflage was unmatched, green feathers, and black, and brown, nature would hide him. A demonic, corkscrewed penis, designed by Satan himself would allow him to outbreed by force any foe in the new world. No one would stop him.

The Bird

Skirmishes

The bird, flying high above the earth, was the first to notice that he was not alone here. Without thinking and without remorse he dove towards the man and attacked. Flapping and kicking and biting wherever he could find purchase. The surprised man could not believe what was happening, there were no enemies here. He recovered enough to run for cover and compute this new data, which the bird mistook for retreat.

The victorious bird decided to go for a victory swim. As he had thought, none could stand before him. The fish attacked swiftly, from beneath, and the bird did as the man had before him. The fish smiled at the fleeing bird, tail feathers protruding from his many rows of teeth.

The Fish

The man would not be surprised again. He sharpened his weapons and his senses. This land was not his land. Yet. When he came upon the lounging fish he launched his spear and dove into the water to fight. The fish bolted, unprepared for this furious assault. He had done nothing to this man, but next time, next time he would do something.

The Battle Raged

None could easily claim victory. The man had been there the longest and had come closest to domination, but this meant nothing to the other two. The two younger Californians quickly learned the ways of the land and caught up to the man. They would raid each other’s homes several times per year, sometimes being chased away, sometimes taking a spoil or two, but never fully crushing their opponent. Each of the three sides hated the other two equally and there was no chance of alliance against a common foe. And that is how they fought, one against one, and one against one, and one against one, over and over and over again.

After years upon years of battle, a temporary truce was initiated. No one was sure who proposed it but the fighting was halted for an entire year. While the fish and the man recovered and rested, the bird trained and built weapons and developed new tactics. For it was the bird who proposed the truce, to lull the others into complacency. The fighting resumed as normal, but the bird saved his surprises for the right time. In the second year after the truce, the bird unleashed his furious attack and thought he had achieved absolute victory.

But the fighting resumed as normal the next year. Nothing had changed. The fish would continue to have the most success throughout the year, but every year he would tire and fade as the season changed to Spring. None could take advantage of the other two. And the fighting would go on.

Some say the man finally cracked. That he went crazy from the continual battle and went on a rampage. Some say he made a revolutionary leap in tactics. Others say he initiated total war, willing to do what the others were not. Whatever the cause, the result was the man’s victory over the bird and the fish.

The Man

Annihilation

The man would not repeat the mistake of the bird. He scorched the land and sea and the sky. He salted the earth. He destroyed every speck of food and beauty. There would be no more fighting as there was nothing to fight for. Victory was his and no one would ever take it from him. The man sat alone atop the pile of dust he had created and cradled his victory, whispering sweet nothings to it and making promises that no one would ever hurt it. Tears flowed at the beauty he beheld.

Brandon McCarthy: Savior of Humanity

The world as we know it was going to end in December of the year 2012.  Several chains of events had been predicted for thousands of years to converge at a specific point in time.  That point in time was September 5th, 2012.  There was only one man who could prevent the annihilation of all human life on Earth.

The Dream

After midnight on 5 September, Brandon had a dream.  In his public life, Brandon McCarthy was a professional pitcher in the American sport of baseball.  The dream he had resembled the dream he had before every game he was scheduled to pitch.  He is the king of the mountain, an ape named Donkey throwing giant barrels at his foes.  He is unstoppable and his shoulders and elbows never fail to fling the barrels with amazing power at the Italian men at the plate at the bottom of the mountain.  In his dream, every pitched barrel is a perfect strike.

The dream shifts.  A barrel flies back toward the mountain.  This is different, this never happens.  The barrel goes past McCarthy and strikes the small ape Pennington, defender of Second Valley.  A zeppelin descends from the sky and lifts the injured Pennington to take him to the hospital. 

The dream shifts.  Brandon floats above Pennington’s home, a plumber waits outside.  The plumber is unaware of the injury and late for his next appointment.  He waits for hours.  He is a loyal and devoted plumber.  The man at the plumber’s next appointment grows more and more annoyed.  He decides to fix his own garbage disposal.  He is a microbiologist, and he is unqualified for this job.  The garbage disposal whirs to life as he inserts his hand.  He bleeds to death, alone, on the kitchen floor.

The dream shifts.  Sirens go off at a laboratory.  There is a breach.  The lab technicians search for the expert in charge of XT-581.  They call his phone.  The phone rings in the home of the microbiologist, no one is able to answer.  Brandon feels the fear in the lab as the lab techs panic.  No one else is qualified to deal with an outbreak of XT-581.  It spreads.

The dream shifts.  Food riots start in the supermarkets and end near the dumpsters.  Bodies pile in the streets and stadiums.  Nuclear missiles fly in response to presumed biological warfare.  The earth is scorched into oblivion.  An overturned calendar reads 21 December, 2012.

Safeco Field’s innovative new pink-striped turf proved itself adequate for stacking corpses

Awake

McCarthy jerked into the real world.  It was morning.  Game day.  He was drenched in the stench of french perfume.  His wife had overdone it again the previous night, her sweatsuit soaked in high-performance parfum.  He had been inhaling the fumes coming off her body the whole night.  The light bulb flashed in his brain, the dream, could it be?

In his secret, shadow life, Brandon held a triple PhD in chemistry, psychiatry, and astrology/divination.  In a recent study he had conducted, he determined that long exposure to strong perfumes could induce visions, particularly when the subject was sleeping.  The neural inhibitors that prevent farseeing are themselves inhibited by the chemical odorants of some strong perfumes.  A future of possible events opens before the subject.  He had put the research aside temporarily because there was a series of important intra-divisional games coming up.  But the implications of the research pushed to the forefront of his brain.

Was it a simple nightmare, or a horrific vision of the future?  The dream could be real.

The Game

The dream faded soon after waking, as they do, but he would be prepared for any signs today.  He also needed to prepare for the game against the loathed Angels.  He developed some pitch sequencing algorithms for the hated Angels and stretched before heading to the stadium.

The game appeared no different than any other game, except for the presence of the despicable Angels.  In the third inning, the repugnant Angels took the lead.  In the fourth, the second Angel to come to the plate launched a missile ball back up the middle.  Clarity struck McCarthy, the dream played out in his head.  This moment in time was the convergence point, all past roads to the apocalypse lead here.  This was the single point of failure in the plan of destruction.  Of course it would be the Angels playing the adversary’s cat’s-paw.

Brandon was running out of time, the screaming ball was quickly approaching.  There was no alternative.  He could not allow the destruction of civilization.  He must protect Pennington, who must meet his plumber, who must make his next appointment with the microbiologist, who must stop the outbreak of XT-581.  Brandon had only one course of action.  He threw his head in front of the ball. 

Brandon laid on the mound and for the split-second before his memory of the event disappeared forever, he knew he had successfully prevented the destruction of life on earth.

The face of a relieved hero. Mission Accomplished.

Legacy

McCarthy suffered severe brain damage and required extensive surgery to save his life.  The doctors could not save his memory and he would never again be the same.  He could not tell this story himself because he has forgotten it, but we Mariners fans appreciate his sacrifice.  Well, everyone probably appreciates his sacrifice, except for the thwarted Angels bent on the destruction of all life, but the people of Seattle appreciate it the most.

And as they say, behind every great and heroic man there is a great and heroic woman.  So we would be remiss not to mention the contributions of Brandon’s wife.  If not for her need to smell like a French prostitute, Brandon may have never had the premonition that saved the world.

Thank you for your service to humanity, McCarthys.